I know this content is sad. It's sad for me to write it. So I'm adding a cute baby picture to remind you that this story does have a happy ending. Bear with me.
Side note: in case you're wondering, you have to have an agency within your state complete your home study. The agency you choose as your placing agency can be anywhere.
The social worker said that they had a birth mother coming in that day to look at profiles. She wanted to know if we wanted her to show ours. Our answer was, "Heck yeah! Do you even have to ask?" Every agency has different requirements as to what you put together for the birth mother to look over. The TN agency wanted a letter with pictures. I had done the hard part - written out all that I wanted to say - in my photo book for the FL agency. So I put it together in a letter format and sent it in. Jamie and I were both at work and couldn't get to our pictures, so our social worker was able to pull some pictures off of our Facebook pages to add to my letter, and voila a complete profile was created in about ten minutes.
After reviewing all the family profiles, the birth mother wanted to meet with us and a few more families. When we met with her it was a little awkward at first. I have a hard time opening up to people I don't know, especially if I'm uncomfortable. It was also our first meeting with a birth mother. There were so many emotions going through my head. I couldn't even get to my emotions because I was analyzing what must have been going through her mind. You think you know what a birth mother is like. There is definitely a stereotype - young, confused, giving up her baby because she is still in school, etc. The birth mother we met with was not so young that keeping a baby would have changed her life. If you think that birth mothers are giving their children away and so they must not be too attached, you're wrong. That's not true at all. I could see how much pain she was in just meeting with families who might raise the child she was carrying. All of that made me feel very uncomfortable. For the first time I felt like I was the bad guy for taking her baby away. With brother's adoption we were completely removed form the birth mother and all the emotions that ensued. Seeing firsthand the pain a birth mother goes through sobers you up.
After meeting with her I didn't really feel like she got to see the real me, so we asked if she would meet with us again. That time was much better. We both shared and opened up more. That night I got a call saying she chose us. I sat at the top of our staircase and cried tears of joy. All the pain, all the waiting was part of the plan. I would hold my baby in only a few more months.
We then started scrambling to finish up our nursery and get baby ready. We had two baby showers where we received way more than we would ever need. People were so generous with us. We met with our birth mother a few more times and got to go with her to some of her doctor's appointments.
The more we got to know her it seemed we might be getting to know each other too well. With any relationship if you get to know enough about someone you're bound to find something you don't like or agree with. If you choose to be their friend anyway, you accept those things. If you don't accept them, you drift apart and remain acquaintances only. We were approaching that point with the birth mother, and it seemed the feeling was mutual. It wasn't unpleasant or cause for alarm, we just slowly stopped the sharing in fear of over sharing. In addition to toeing the friendship line, she began to make comments that seemed strange to me and there was a general vibe from her that left me confused. The Friday night before our third shower we were going to meet her for dinner. She called to say she was having stomach pains and was going to the hospital. It turned out to be Braxton Hicks contractions, but it was enough to wake her up to the whole situation. The social worker called. She just wanted us to be aware that the birth mother was having second thoughts. She hadn't decided anything for sure, she said.
Jamie and I talked about it and decided the best thing to do was to go ahead with the shower. We didn't know what would happen after all, and we didn't want to needlessly upset all the people who were so happy for us that they bought gifts for the baby, who may or may not be ours. It was hard to open the beautiful and thoughtful presents and wonder if I would ever get to use them, and wonder if I should give them back. I tried to keep telling myself she hadn't decided yet. There was still a chance.
Monday morning I went to work like normal. About an hour after I'd arrived I looked up and saw Jamie at the door. I knew then that she had decided, and that she was keeping her baby. He didn't have to say a word. Jamie had the forethought to text my boss and go ahead and let her know that I would probably be taking the rest of the day off. And I did. And also the next day.
The initial reaction was shock, then came the pain, more than I anticipated, more than with the miscarriage. Even though I had never held that baby, she was mine, for a few months anyway. I had to mourn the loss so that I could move on.
Looking back I can now see that it was the right thing to happen. That birth mother wasn't ready to let go. She wanted to raise her baby and she was able to. She just didn't know how she could make it work. I am not interested in taking a baby that isn't available for the taking. Adoption is not about taking someone's baby away. It's about love and taking in a baby who needs a home. Her baby didn't need a home.
The only thing I regret is letting Brother get so close to her. We weren't going to at first, but we talked to her about it and she wanted a relationship with him. He asked where she was for months after her baby was born. Try explaining that to a five year old. He is already confused as to where babies come from. His only experiences with birth are meeting with pregnant women where we tell him that his baby sister might be in her belly. Poor kid. The birds and bees talk is going to be a total shock to him.
1 comment:
You weren't kidding about this being a heartbreaking road, but that little face at the top was always waiting at the end. Your family is strong for having made it through those trials and stronger now for finding its fourth member!
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