Baby Girl's Story Part Three of Four

I know this content is sad. It's sad for me to write it. So I'm adding a cute baby picture to remind you that this story does have a happy ending. Bear with me. 

The miscarriage only whetted our baby appetite. Once we worked through the pain, I was ready to do whatever I had to do to be able to hold my baby girl, wherever she was. We worked hard and finished up the last few items we needed for our home study to be complete. I had just finished my photo book that the agency in Florida required when our social worker from our home study agency in TN contacted us.

Side note: in case you're wondering, you have to have an agency within your state complete your home study. The agency you choose as your placing agency can be anywhere. 

The social worker said that they had a birth mother coming in that day to look at profiles. She wanted to know if we wanted her to show ours. Our answer was, "Heck yeah! Do you even have to ask?" Every agency has different requirements as to what you put together for the birth mother to look over. The TN agency wanted a letter with pictures. I had done the hard part - written out all that I wanted to say - in my photo book for the FL agency. So I put it together in a letter format and sent it in. Jamie and I were both at work and couldn't get to our pictures, so our social worker was able to pull some pictures off of our Facebook pages to add to my letter, and voila a complete profile was created in about ten minutes. 

After reviewing all the family profiles, the birth mother wanted to meet with us and a few more families. When we met with her it was a little awkward at first. I have a hard time opening up to people I don't know, especially if I'm uncomfortable. It was also our first meeting with a birth mother. There were so many emotions going through my head. I couldn't even get to my emotions because I was analyzing what must have been going through her mind. You think you know what a birth mother is like. There is definitely a stereotype - young, confused, giving up her baby because she is still in school, etc. The birth mother we met with was not so young that keeping a baby would have changed her life. If you think that birth mothers are giving their children away and so they must not be too attached, you're wrong. That's not true at all. I could see how much pain she was in just meeting with families who might raise the child she was carrying. All of that made me feel very uncomfortable. For the first time I felt like I was the bad guy for taking her baby away. With brother's adoption we were completely removed form the birth mother and all the emotions that ensued. Seeing firsthand the pain a birth mother goes through sobers you up. 

After meeting with her I didn't really feel like she got to see the real me, so we asked if she would meet with us again. That time was much better. We both shared and opened up more. That night I got a call saying she chose us. I sat at the top of our staircase and cried tears of joy. All the pain, all the waiting was part of the plan. I would hold my baby in only a few more months. 

We then started scrambling to finish up our nursery and get baby ready. We had two baby showers where we received way more than we would ever need. People were so generous with us. We met with our birth mother a few more times and got to go with her to some of her doctor's appointments. 

The more we got to know her it seemed we might be getting to know each other too well. With any relationship if you get to know enough about someone you're bound to find something you don't like or agree with. If you choose to be their friend anyway, you accept those things. If you don't accept them, you drift apart and remain acquaintances only. We were approaching that point with the birth mother, and it seemed the feeling was mutual. It wasn't unpleasant or cause for alarm, we just slowly stopped the sharing in fear of over sharing. In addition to toeing the friendship line, she began to make comments that seemed strange to me and there was a general vibe from her that left me confused. The Friday night before our third shower we were going to meet her for dinner. She called to say she was having stomach pains and was going to the hospital. It turned out to be Braxton Hicks contractions, but it was enough to wake her up to the whole situation. The social worker called. She just wanted us to be aware that the birth mother was having second thoughts. She hadn't decided anything for sure, she said. 

Jamie and I talked about it and decided the best thing to do was to go ahead with the shower. We didn't know what would happen after all, and we didn't want to needlessly upset all the people who were so happy for us that they bought gifts for the baby, who may or may not be ours. It was hard to open the beautiful and thoughtful presents and wonder if I would ever get to use them, and wonder if I should give them back. I tried to keep telling myself she hadn't decided yet. There was still a chance. 

Monday morning I went to work like normal. About an hour after I'd arrived I looked up and saw Jamie at the door. I knew then that she had decided, and that she was keeping her baby. He didn't have to say a word. Jamie had the forethought to text my boss and go ahead and let her know that I would probably be taking the rest of the day off. And I did. And also the next day. 

The initial reaction was shock, then came the pain, more than I anticipated, more than with the miscarriage. Even though I had never held that baby, she was mine, for a few months anyway. I had to mourn the loss so that I could move on. 

Looking back I can now see that it was the right thing to happen. That birth mother wasn't ready to let go. She wanted to raise her baby and she was able to. She just didn't know how she could make it work. I am not interested in taking a baby that isn't available for the taking. Adoption is not about taking someone's baby away. It's about love and taking in a baby who needs a home. Her baby didn't need a home. 

The only thing I regret is letting Brother get so close to her. We weren't going to at first, but we talked to her about it and she wanted a relationship with him. He asked where she was for months after her baby was born. Try explaining that to a five year old. He is already confused as to where babies come from. His only experiences with birth are meeting with pregnant women where we tell him that his baby sister might be in her belly. Poor kid. The birds and bees talk is going to be a total shock to him.

Baby Girl's Story Part Two

We focused our child pursuit on adoption. I knew I wanted to request a girl. Jamie and Brother were and are best friends. I know Brother loves me too, and there are things he only wants to do with me (such as play Lego Xbox games), but there is a special connection between him and his daddy that can never be replaced. I wanted that kind of a connection too. I wanted my very own shopping buddy and someone to sit next to me in the little pink butterfly pedicure chair when we are getting our toes done. I also knew I wanted a dark skinned baby. I'm not sure I can explain why on that one, but it was as if a seed was just planted inside my brain and every time I pictured her she had dark skin and curly black hair. We were either going to choose Haiti or Ethiopia. We didn't consider domestic adoption because we were scared. We had heard of too many people and personally known people whose birth mothers changed their minds. I also didn't like the idea of being selected. I felt that anyone who wanted to adopt a baby should have an equal chance as anyone else to get one. I didn't want to feel like I was auditioning for a part or interviewing for a job.

Jamie called the agency we had used for our home study agency with Brother's adoption. (I don't like talking on the phone and I always make Jamie do it. He loves talking to people, can't get enough of it. He truly completes me.) He mentioned to the social worker in passing that we wished Guatemala was still open because we love the country and the people. She told us about an agency in Texas where most of the babies were Hispanic and would have a similar background as Brother. We started to think about domestic after all. 

Some people are very adamant about their kids being of the same race so they can relate to each other. We don't really care one way or the other. Within our family we are all different and we embrace that. We can relate to each other through our differences. When we look at our children we see their skin color as another identifier that makes them special like eye color or hair color. The more we thought about domestic adoption the more we got excited about it. The thought of holding a newborn baby was something I had let go of years ago. So even with all the risks involved I found myself wanting to try it. I still wanted my dark skinned baby girl though. We found an agency in Florida that had an African American newborn adoption program. We were going to choose them, but first we had to complete our home study.

Christmas came in the middle of gathering our home study documents and with it came a Christmas miracle. I was very unexpectedly pregnant. So our adoption plans were put on hold for a while. The pregnancy lasted seven weeks before I had a miscarriage. Needless to say, that took us a while to recover from. I think it's natural for women to blame themselves - I took an Advil before I found out or I had too much coffee or wine or _____ (fill in the blank). When it happens you almost need to have a reason to hold on to, even if you pretend it is your fault, because it feels good to point to something and then just not do that the next time and you'll be just fine. It's not that simple though. It's hard to get pregnant.

If you just read that and thought, "It was easy for me," please be sensitive and keep that to yourself. You never know when you're in the presence of someone who has experienced the loss of a miscarriage. It happens to more people than you think. And if it was easy for you, know how lucky you are. You have won the fertility lottery, so enjoy your prizes without rubbing them in the faces of the ones who have bought three tickets a day for years with no results.

Even though it feels good to be able to blame something for a miscarriage--even yourself--it's no one's fault. Something about it wasn't viable. It wouldn't have happened no matter what you did or didn't do. People who really meant well have said that things happen for a reason. I have probably said it myself before I experienced the loss. I don't believe that God caused me to have a miscarriage so that I could comfort friends who go through it too. I do think that God placed some special people in my life who he knew would experience the same loss around the same time in our lives so that we could be a support system for each other though. And I am grateful for a support system of women who understand because they've been there. 

Baby Girl's Story Part One

I started thinking this week about sharing the story about how Baby came into our family, and where the story begins. It's not as simple as God sent an angel in the form of a birth mother to my doorstep and handed me a baby. When it comes to babies, life is never that simple. While Baby's story ends joyously, it was a long and arduous journey to get there, and there were many on and off ramps that I think are worth mentioning. This story could be long, so this will be the first part of how we came to the decision that we wanted another child in our family.

In some ways this story began when Jamie and I got married. We had always talked about kids. Even before we were married. I wanted him to know up front that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. He said he had thought about it before and he'd always known that he would be ok with kids that weren't his biologically. Just because we couldn't have biological kids didn't mean we couldn't have kids. There are other ways. (Isn't it amazing when God speaks directly to you through your spouse?) Kids were always part of our plans. I wanted three. Jamie didn't care how many, or maybe he just didn't want to put anymore pressure on me to get pregnant. I was putting enough on myself as it was.

With Brother's adoption process there was a lot of legal turmoil going on. Guatemala was in the process of trying to shut down their international adoptions. We brought him home in September and they closed officially in November. We made it out by our teeth skin. I knew I would get him out. I would have stopped at nothing short of becoming a Guatemalan citizen myself if that's what it took. So I wasn't worried that I wouldn't get my baby, it was a very stressful time though. It was such an intense emotional roller coaster that when we finally did make it home with our new baby boy, we were both emotionally wiped out. Any energy or emotion we had left we poured directly onto our baby. We cherished him, we savored him, we smothered him with love, and we spoiled him. Good thing he's kindhearted because he's a good kid despite our lack of parenting skills in the beginning.

The transition from non-parent to parent was hard for us. It took a while for us to find our balance. Jamie tended to err on the side of leniency and I tended to err on the side of strictness. We would both lean into our methods of erring to try to counteract the other, which kept the vicious cycle going. Once we figured out what we were doing to each other, we met in the middle, and life started to get easier. For instance, I didn't want my child to eat processed foods. Yes, George, I'm referring to the hot dog incident. Stop laughing at me. It was a noble fight. Jamie would try to even things out for Brother by letting him eat more candy than he should have. I gave in a little and started introducing some processed foods into Brother's diet. So I felt he was eating healthy, but Jamie didn't feel like he was being deprived. Parenting is a complicated dance. With all the emotions and learning going on we couldn't think about going through the adoption process all over again for a while. It took until Brother was four for us to decide we were ready.

Once we decided, we tried the biological route again. I love adoption and wish everyone wanted to experience it as much as I do, but I still wanted to experience pregnancy and birth too. Through adoption I got to feel God's love for us, and I wanted to feel a part of God's creation process through pregnancy. As I said before, I wanted three. I loved the idea of having the middle child be the biological child. That way people would see that I chose adoption, and not just because I couldn't have biological children. So while we knew we would adopt again someday, we wanted to try for the second the old fashioned way.

When we had tried before (before Brother) we went in completely blind. We had never given it a go on our own before we walked into the fertility clinic. This time I wanted to know what I was doing. I read books and did research. I tracked my temperature everyday and analyzed it. In my research I came across the subject of acupuncture for treatment. It seemed more natural than what I'd been through before, it was cheaper, and the success rate was way better than any fertility treatment, even in vitro. So I tried it for several months. I enjoyed it for stress relief, but when I wasn't seeing any results, I decided to take some time off to regroup. Brother was almost five and I didn't think I wanted my children that far apart. (turns out six years apart is the magic number, but more on that later.) That was when we moved full force into adoption mode.

To be continued...