What Not to Say to An Adoptive Mother

When it comes to adoption people really don't know what to say. Anything out of the norm throws people off their game. And when they're off their game, crazy things come out of their mouths. I believe that most people mean well. Many of them want to show that they're in favor of adoption and are merely trying to express it. And a large portion of people are just plain nosy. And though Jamie and I have been on the receiving end of some interesting comments, we take it all in stride. We understand that people don't mean what they say sometimes.

The number one topic people always ask about when it comes to adoption leads me to taboo #1: Don't ask about personal details of the birth mother's choice to place her child for adoption.

"Why not?" you may ask.

"Because it's none of your darn business," I answer.

The best rule of thumb is to not ask anything that you wouldn't ask in an equivalent question to a pregnant woman. You know not to ask a pregnant woman details of her conception, such as what day she ovulated on, how many times a day did she and the father have sex, even the relationship between mother and father can be an off limit topic. So don't ask if I'm adopting because I couldn't "have a baby of my own" or if I'm "scared of childbirth." One well meaning person even told me he hoped I wasn't too attached because it might not work out. You wouldn't tell a pregnant woman not to get attached to her baby because she might have a miscarriage, so don't tell me that my adoption might fail. I have had a miscarriage and a failed adoption (both in the last year). They felt a lot alike, and neither is something a mother should be burdened with when planning and decorating a nursery and making room for a new person in her family.

This rule of thumb extends to the birth mothers and birth fathers as well. There are many reasons that a woman chooses adoption. They are all good reasons. There is never a reason that could be considered bad or not from loving her child so much her heart breaks. If she chooses adoption, it's the best decision for her and the baby, and that's all you need to know. It's not an easy or careless decision, and it's certainly not a decision that can be explained in a few simple words to a stranger. Also, the story is my child's story, not mine. It's not mine to share even if I wanted to. And when my children grow up and are ready to share their story, don't ask them. You don't go up to random people and ask them to share details of their birth and upbringing, don't ask that of adopted children either.

When we only had big brother we didn't get as many comments. He is from Guatemala and he is Ladino (not a misspelling most Guatemalan people are either of Mayan decent or Ladino). Even though I am caucasian people are confused with the two of us. They sense something is different, but don't know what it is exactly, so they assume he is my biological child. I toted him around on my hip everywhere I went. Several people asked me if I had a lot of heartburn. At first I didn't know that you supposedly have more heartburn during a pregnancy when the baby has a lot of hair. So until I figured out why they were asking I just looked back at them confused and said no, I feel pretty good right now. Once I did figure it out, I amended my answer to "Yes, I did have a lot of heartburn. All the paperwork and waiting was very stressful."

While in the process with big brother, at least two people asked us if he would speak Spanish. Um...no. I don't know many 8 month old babies who speak at all. That would be cool though.

She was so tiny when she was born I had to give people a little perspective of just how tiny she was, thus the universal point of reference, the Vitamin Water bottle.

With baby girl the fact that she is adopted is a little more obvious. She is African American with beautiful dark chocolate skin. At least I think this is obvious. I have actually had two people tell me with seriousness on their faces that I look good to have just had a baby. And no they didn't mean you look like you've slept a little. They actually thought I gave birth to her. Those comments are my husband's favorites.

Some other contenders include when we were at our favorite Nashville burger place and our friend the cashier asked if we were babysitting, and then the cashier at a home decor place we frequent saw baby girl and exclaimed, "You bought you a baby."

Just to reiterate, We were not offended by these comments, we understand that unless you are educated on what you should say and what you should probably keep to yourself, you don't know. So we are very understanding, like most adoptive parents are. If I sense that the comment was from a good place I will laugh inside and try not to embarrass the speaker too much. And if I feel it's time to give a little education, I don't mind putting people in their place. My job as an adoptive mother is to protect my children and their stories, and also to protect their birth mothers and birth fathers and give them the respect and love they deserve. It's a tall order, and one I accept with aplomb.